Story Stewardship: Building Connection through Affirming Others’ Narratives

Businesses are working to increase belonging in the workplace. It’s good business – a higher sense of belonging translates to higher performance. It’s also human – belonging is a fundamental human need. As allies, we can help others feel they belong by doing something as simple as including them in a lunch invitation, showing genuine concern, or ensuring that their point of view is included in a discussion. We can also cultivate meaningful connection.  

One way to cultivate meaningful connection is by practicing story stewardship (Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart, 2021). According to Brown, this requires believing, acknowledging, and affirming the other’s narrative.

In practice, this looks like reflective listening, which is hearing and understanding, and then letting the other know that he/she/they are being heard and understood. Doing so can be challenging, as we commonly practice behaviors that are contrary to this – for example, responding to someone’s story by jumping in with our own similar story, or judging first and then responding based on that judgment. It can be especially challenging to believe, acknowledge and affirm another’s narrative when that person’s narrative is different and unfamiliar to you, as it can dispute your worldview. However, it is essential to the human experience to be heard and believed.

It is important as an ally to decenter yourself and listen to others in a way that affirms their experience. Here are some examples of what not to do: If a Black person says that it bothered them that no one said hello to them when they walked into a meeting, don’t say, “I’m sure they didn’t mean it – don’t take it personally.” If a transgender woman with male physical attributes says that she identifies as a woman, don’t say, “Well, you look like a man to me.” (And don’t say it behind their back, either.) Both responses reflect a lack of belief in their lived experiences and invalidate the other. If a woman expresses that she was being talked over in a meeting, don’t jump immediately into fixing mode. Make sure she feels heard first and foremost. And besides, you don’t know what she needs or wants or how she might want to address the situation.

A good steward of another's story listens well and shares back to the speaker what they heard, and possibly expresses interest in hearing more. For the above examples, responses that foster deeper connection might sound like, “I hear you identify as a woman. How would you like to be addressed?” “So you walked into the meeting, and no one said hello – that sounds hard.” “You were being talked over in this meeting. That sounds frustrating – does that happen often in team meetings?”

Being a good steward of another’s stories can be challenging, as we may need to unlearn some common behaviors. It can be even more challenging when the narratives are different and unfamiliar to you, as it is natural to judge or to try to connect something new to something familiar.  A good story steward listens well and shares back to the speaker what they heard, and possibly expresses interest in hearing more. For the above examples, responses that foster deeper connection might sound like, “I hear you identify as a woman. How would you like to be addressed?” “So you walked into the meeting, and no one said hello – that sounds hard.” “You were being talked over in this meeting. That sounds frustrating – does that happen often in team meetings?”

To be a good ally, it’s important to be a good story steward – to believe, acknowledge and affirm other’s stories using reflecting listening. Doing so yields benefits not just for the other, however – the reward is human connection, which we can all use more of.